In 2012, I resolve to be happy. I resolve to be true to myself. I resolve to give my body everything it deserves, and that means getting it into shape and being healthy. I want to change my habits. I want to work out, and enjoy doing that. I want to run. I want to become toned again. I don't want to thin, I just want to be what I should be. Oh, and I want to stop eating shit (stuff that's bad for me... not actual fecal matter). I want to cut down on things that are white such as sugar, flour, and potatoes and increase the amount of fruits and vegetables I eat. Decrease the amount of soda I drink even though it is diet and I will drink more water. I want to stop over eating, or eating just because the food is there!
I resolve to making mistakes, but to not let them bring me down. These eating goals I have described above, do you really think I am going to start off eating perfectly? Of course not, but when I invitably screw up I will not just throw in the towel and give up on any progress I might have made. I have a hard time letting go of mistakes, and I beat myself up over them. Mistakes are a way of life, so when I will undoubtedly make them, I will not carry them around with me. I will not apologize for existing, or for being right. I will apologize when it is required and when it is right, but every other word out of my mouth will not be “I'm sorry.”
I resolve to do more of what makes me happy. On the same note, I resolve to get out more. Sitting in my room and crocheting while watching Netflix is great and all, but should not be an every day activity. Things happened first semester that put me in a funk, and I am determined to pull myself up this year. I can do it.
I resolve to do well in school this semester. I made the Dean's List this last semester, and that felt pretty good. Spring semester, I am taking 18 hours and some of my classes should be pretty hard, but none of my classes are a Math or Spanish. They are all in my major or minors, so I have no excuse not to do well. I will kick their asses. I got this.
I resolve to spend less, save more. Debit cards are way to east to overspend on, so I will take cash out of the bank and just use my card to put gas in my car. I will eat in the cafeteria at school instead of buying fast food or microwave Lean Cuisine. I will learn to love the salad bar, dammit. I will not tempt myself with the desert bar. Until I can calmly pick up one cookie, I will avoid it altogether. Once again, I will not eat shit just because it is available to me. I will save my change for my trip this summer.
I resolve to write. That could be Blogs, poems, or Beth Daily. I want to get the solid first chapter of my novel written. I want to blog, I want my voice to be heard. I think I might have found myself a semi-regular job as a writer (more details on that later).
I resolve to stop feeling bad about myself. This sort of fits in with the not apologizing so much, but I feel like it needs to be reiterated and clarified. I beat myself up. My hair is frizzy, and my clothes don't always fit right. Those things are not totally my fault, or at least they are nothing I can change by getting mad at myself. I'm not 100% sure how to stop doing this, but I am really going to try. Working at Governor’s School this summer really helped me because it reminded me that I am in fact, a nice person. I just need to remember that. Once again, it is not all my fault.
I deserve all of this. I think everyone does. Just remember, you body deserves to be the best it can me. You have to treat it right. My body, it didn't die when it was supposed. It overcame trauma and dare I say it, I am now better than I was before my accident. It doesn't deserve me to feel bad about it, or to not be in good condition. I love brains, mine in particular, and it does not deserve my bad thoughts about myself to rush through it. My body, my brain, myself they all deserve for me to be the best I can be in 2012, because if the world does end, I refuse to have any regrets.